the national unracist!crimenetwork!!(comedy)jokes no.3

A little girl and her mother were out and about. 

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" 

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." 

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" 

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." 

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" 

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." 

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. 

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything." 

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again. 

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." 

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" 

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." 

"Where did you learn that?" 

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

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Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

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John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his waydownstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said John.

'I did. You're back to work on Monday.

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My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that

always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the

store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless

jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all

good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of

grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.

 

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda

bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me

that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

 

"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman

with small hands."

 

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..

 

"Makes your dick look bigger."

 

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!?

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I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" 
That's how the fight started.

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Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. 
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both 
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth 
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. 
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" 
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." 

"Why?" he asked. 
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" 
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. 
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken." 
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers 
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

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In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical  relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
 "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."

 The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked .. "Is that one word or two words?

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A Jewish  woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing  Sheldon!

All he wants is my butt and my butthole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used  to be the size of a 5 cent piece.'

Mother says 'You're married to a  multi-millionaire businessman, you live
in an 8 bedroom mansion,  you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance, you take 6  vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45  cents

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A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass."

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look".

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor.  "What could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant."

The doctor says "An elephant's *&^%$ is long and thin. This hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first."

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Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’
The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk.’

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An Alsatian (German shepherd) went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”